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hello little buns, it is stef, welcome back to my home! it is time for q and a, it's a q and a time, it's time for q and a. it has been actually a long time, i don't think i've done one of these since i had green hair? i might be mistaken, but i'm pretty sure it's been more than it's supposed to be for time between q and as. so it's time. so we're just gonna jump right in here, to the questions on my- ooh, what's- why is it focusing on the wall, girl, you know that's not where i need you, thank you, okay. first question! instagram user jacobdfoley: "are you emotionally prepared for gaga to slay the superbowl?"

no. here's the thing that i love about lady gaga performing at the superbowl. she does this little behind the scenes thing with pepsi, who sponsored the super- the halftime show or whatever, or the whole thing, i don't know anything about football or the superbowl. i just know she's performing. and she did this little behind the scenes thing, and she said something along the lines of "this is not about me", or "this is not about you", to the dancers, "this is not about us, this is about all the kids that never would have imagined they would have the stage." like it's about, like, when i was growing up, i never would've thought that an artist that i loved

would be performing at the superbowl. and i mean, obviously, beyonce performed and everything, and there are different artists that are becoming more prevalent that you wouldn't have expected, that got a huge stage like that. but... gaga's super gay. like, everything about her, her visuals, her music, is very gay. okay? so it's hard for people that might be hardcore football fans to digest, and also, it's kind of a foreign thing to what i would expect out of football. so, for me, it's like, she's bringing something familiar to us into the superbowl, and she's bridging a gap. and that is really interesting to me. so, i'm excited. and obviously i love her. i've always loved her.

instagram user glass_sparrow_designs: "hi, breadmom" hello! "what's your favorite quest line in skyrim and why?" i have completed skyrim a thousand times over, i have like, almost a thousand hours, between the special edition and the original, so i don't really have a favorite questline anymore because i've done them all so many times. but, there is this addon called enderal that is basically a completely different game, just made within skyrim's engine. it is incredible. i'm playing through it right now, um, i've had kind of a really hard time with mental health for the past few days, and that game has been a nice sanctuary. it's been very atmospheric, very immersive, and it's great for people that have never played skyrim, and also people that have

played skyrim too damn much and need refreshing. so i'll put a link to it in the description box, it's really interesting, it's very very dark, it's very different from skyrim's story, it's not made for- it's not something that kids will understand the message of very clearly. but it's really interesting, and i'm not very far into it. i'm doing lots of side content, i think i've played like fifteen hours already, and i'm only in the second town. it's more linear than skyrim. it's really interesting, though, i think everybody should try it if they played skyrim and they like it. so, description box. also, it's free. instagram user...

got confused there for a second. instagram user galagagoddess: "if you do get srs will you talk about it, or is it maybe too personal?" so i'm... i know i want srs. i know i want a vagina, okay? the reason i say sometimes i'm not sure, is because i don't know where i wanna go for it. and i'm doing a lot of research, i'm trying to prepare myself, but when i do get it, if i do get if with a doctor that i like- which i'm not gonna get it if it's a doctor i don't like, you know what i mean? so, when i get it, i will document it and i will talk about it,

obviously i can't show you my bleeding vagina on youtube, but i will show you like, bandages and stuff, i will document that process as well. honestly, it's almost less personal than my face. my face meant way more to me than a vagina does. so, we'll see, when that happens, but when it does, i will document it. instagram user chloeliane: "kinley, colin mochrie's daughter, who is trans, spoke about how important choosing her new name was and how she involved her parents in that decision. so my question is, how did you pick the name stef? were there any others that you were considering?

congrats on your official name change, by the way, i think i saw an instagram story." my official name change is not through, yet, they actually sent the package back, and they need a document, signed by my guarantor, that is not a photocopy, that has his official signature in pen that is not a photo- i was like "okay, fine. whatever." but, that being said, how did i choose the name stef? i didn't involve my parents at all, actually. i started wanting to be called stef when i was about twelve. and i didn't realize it was because the dysphoria of my other name, which was not that far off from stef, i'm sure you can just assume what it was, if you know that it wasn't far from stef, and that stef made me more comfortable,

i started wanting to be called stef at a very young age. and when i transitioned later, when i was nineteen. i wanted... i looked through a lot of names. i liked iris, i liked veronica, i liked sabrina, i liked names that were like, kind of bitchy sounding, you know what i mean? i'm not saying that if you have that name you're a bitch, obviously, but i liked names that sounded mean or intimidating or evil. you know. or, something, i don't know what it was. i just, stef just felt right. it felt like home, because i've been called stef for years! so it wasn't a stretch for me to do that. it wasn't a stretch for me emotionally, or anything, or even for my family, it was very easy for them to transition into the name. and i didn't pick that name because it was easy for other people,

but it did feel comfortable for me, and that meant more than anything else, because trying to fit into a different name would've been more uncomfortable for me than just sliding into something that's comfortable, and that's what it was about. transitioning isn't about becoming another person, it's about becoming comfortable with yourself. so, i wasn't about to, you know, reach out and try something completely different if it was gonna make me more uncomfortable than something familiar, you know what i mean? so that's what i did. that being said, i did ask my parents, you know, what names they would've picked for me if i was assigned female at birth. and, i think alyssa was in there, angela, angelina,

i think, but i didn't feel connected to any of them, so i didn't end up choosing anything they would've chosen. instagram user addybefine: "when you experience anxiety/depression/dysphoria, what are some of the ways you cope and distract yourself from those dark states of mind?" so, for the past few days, i have done nothing but lay in bed until like four, five p.m. get up, play video games, and go back to bed. i haven't left my apartment in almost a week, i didn't shower for like, three days, i was in a bad place. and that happens once in a while. i get like three days in a row where i just... i feel dead. i feel apathy, i feel exhausted, i feel like there's no point

in doing anything, and that sucks. it really sucks. and honestly, all i do is work through it, because i know one day i'm gonna wake up and it's gonna be done. and i'm lucky that mine only lasted about three or four days, max, because anything else would severely disrupt my life, you know what i mean? because if i don't do any work for three days, i can get by. but if i didn't do any work for two weeks, i would lose everything. so, it's really important, you know, if you are having longer term struggles, that you do find effective ways to cope and effective ways to keep yourself going, but my method of coping is letting it happen. which probably isn't the healthiest thing, but it works for me. because i know

that one day i'm gonna wake up and it's gonna be a completely different feeling. so i just look forward to that, i guess. it's not so much dysphoria when that happens, though, i don't know what it is. it could be anxiety, i have not been diagnosed with depression, i have been diagnosed with complex p- um... with complex ptsd, i have been diagnosed with anxiety, it could be one of those, but i don't understand, i don't know. i don't know. instagram user skylightliz_: "if you weren't a youtuber, what would your job/life goal be? love you xxxx" i love you too!

i am- really recently i've been into like, archaeological... archaeological? is that the word? i think that's the word. ...documentaries, and like, ancient civilization documentaries, and i really think i would love- i would have loved to be an archaeologist. that is a little bit far out of playing range from where i am now, because to be an archaeologist, you have to have a very strong understanding of science, and earth sciences and- i would have to go through a lot of education that i really would not enjoy, just to do one thing that i kind of enjoy parts of.

because, my view of archaeology is very romanticized, and i know that i would really not enjoy that work, if i was down there in the dirt digging, and measuring shit that i didn't care about. i honestly- my interest in archaeology's about the culture and understanding the people, and that's a very small part of what you actually do in that job. so, uh, that wouldn't work. i would love to be in some kind of video game development, and the good thing with that is there's a little bit more breathing room in terms of education, because if you can make good work, it really does not matter if you have, you know, a certificate. obviously, i mean, i think i would want to

go to school, because i would wanna learn things like coding and all that- like i have no understanding. i am a quick learner, so i feel like i could grasp it. if i had to choose another career, i'd probably go for that. because i know i could do that. i don't want to go back into makeup artistry, it doesn't satisfy me the same way storytelling and enter-entertaining does, you know what i mean? enter-t-ta-taining-ning. instagram user airadella: "favorite hidden gem in toronto?" i don't believe in "hidden gems" because i don't think anything is hidden,

i think everything is there for us to find, i don't really know how to word that. but i feel like when something is a "hidden gem", you almost claim it as your own, and then it- i don't like that, because like, it's not yours, it's theirs, the person that owns it? i don't know, i don't know. anyway. i really like this place, uh, near yonge and wellesley, called the riddle room. the riddle room. my friend works there, it's a really really cute place, it's like, a game cafe, you can go play video games or board games, and it's got really good coffees and lattes and drinks and sandwiches, and it's really really cute so if you wanna spend a day in a low-stress environment with a bunch of geeky people,

bring your friend, go to the riddle room, hang out- they have escape rooms, too, which are so fun. so fun, but you probably need more than two people because when i've tried to do it with two people, it's taken me way too damn long, so i recommend bringing more than one friend if you wanna do an escape room, and if you wanna escape on time. i love it there, though. i think it's a great place. i recommend it. instragram user notyouratlas: "was ffs everything you hoped for?" yes. oh, i feel like i'm like.. i'm like...

hiiiiii i'm down here, i'm really short sorry. my bad. was ffs everything i hoped for? yes, it was exactly what i hoped for. i knew exactly what to expect, i knew exactly what i wanted, and it didn't go beyond that, and it didn't go below, it was exactly, like it is exactly what i wanted. and that is better than i could've- i mean, i don't want to say it's better than i could've hoped for, because it's exactly what i knew was gonna happen. it's hard to explain, but it turned out just how i thought it would, and i am content. you know what i mean? i feel great. i feel great.

there are some people talking about my lip, and how it doesn't move on on side, which is not true, it does move on that side. my lip has always been kind of lopsided, because of my deafness, i'm deaf in this ear, so naturally, my face moves more on the side that hears. and that's just how it is. that being said, this side of my lip is still numb. and that is going to go away. he didn't really do much to it, so there's no way that it could be permanent damage, i really, highly doubt that, but even if it is, i don't mind it. i really don't. i don't mind if i have like a bit of a lop- i don't care. but i think it's gonna be fully healed in a few weeks? i don't think it's a permanent change. instagram user connor.wc: "what was your favorite game in the zelda franchise? mine was

wind waker hd (fucking amazing)" huh! um, my favorite game in the zelda franchise.. probably wind waker.. hd, or wind waker original, they're the same really, or twilight princess. i love twilight princess as well. so both of those games were very good, very different styles in art and stories, but both i really, really enjoyed. so, gamecube was a great... a great fr- um.. what? i guess, era, for nintendo games. so, definitely both of those.

instagram user xaos19, i'm sorry if i'm pronouncing that wrong, i think it's zay-ahs, or zows? "what message would you give to trans girls who can't pass as well as you?" here's the thing. before i say what i'm going to say, please understand that my view of passing is that it is not a good thing, it is not a thing that we should all strive for, and it is not the reason i got ffs, it is not the reason that i like to do my makeup, it is not the reason i like to do my hair, and i think that holding trans women to a standard to pass as cis women, is really ridiculous, because cis women come in all shapes and sizes and looks, and so do trans girls. and i don't think there is one set standard that means that we are worth living, you know what i mean?

it's really fucked up. so i would say do your best to not adhere to it, but i know it's very hard, because in the world we live in, it's just kind of a fact that if you pass, you are safer. and that sucks. but, what would i say to you? i would say to you that at one point, i did not pass as well as i do now, as well. at all. at all. in voice, in everything. everything. it's a process, it takes time. you will not wake up, understand you're trans, then next day you go out, buy nail polish and makeup and suddenly you pass. it's not how it works for anybody, at all. nobody. every single famous transgender woman or big youtube trans woman,

or anybody, if you look back to their old content, you understand that it's a process. it is not instant, and it might not feel like it takes long to other people, because time goes fast, okay? but, i mean, this has been two years for me, really. basically. and there's still things that i wanna do. and again, that's not because i want to pass, i'm trying to get rid of my dysphoria, right? i'm trying to inhibit it at every turn and corner, and that's what you should really be trying to do, you shouldn't be trying to hit a standard for other people, you should be trying to feel as comfortable as you possibly can in your own body, however that is. and i hope that was not too messy or confusing, but that is my message for women that cannot pass as well as i can or whatever.

you are absolutely worth every single piece of this world, even if you can't reach a ridiculous standard set by ridiculous people. okay? instagram user msrobovet: "can i get a virtual hug please?" of course! of co- come here, come here, my darling. how are you doing? i hope, you know, that everything is okay, and i hope that you feel better soon, and i know that, you know, the world's gonna.. it's gonna come around, and stuff. that's the best i can do, i hope that wasn't.. i hope that fits your situation, i love you, thank you

i.. thank you. i really enjoyed this hug that we've had. instagram user mmmalone1237: "does your lock of hair from waardenburg syndrome get larger or stay the same? also your eyes are gorgeous." thank you! my lock of hair from waardenburg syndrome- for those of you that do not know, she's talking about the white hair which you can clearly see has no roots, but the brown hair, my natural hair color- i mean it's both natural but like, my hair naturally is brown everywhere except for right here. so she's talking about this. it does get bigger, when i was a kid it was very small, and of course my head gets bigger,

so you'd expect the hair also, but i don't know how that works when it goes to the little tiny whatever. i just know that every year, i notice it's a little big larger, and i'm honestly really happy about that, like i'm noticing i have white hairs further away from the white patch, and i really hope that within a few years, i go full-on white, because my mom was full, full, full white hair when she was in her mid twenties and she didn't even start with a white patch. and that is also another part of waardenburg syndrome is premature greying of the hair, so i'm really hoping and crossing my fingers for a full head of white hair within a few years. because then i wouldn't have to bleach it. it'd be so much healthier. amazing.

instagram user lynnvsluke: "what is your fashion inspiration?" right now, i'm very loving.. i am very loving.. lady gaga.. for the past year and a half. no, seriously, since she released perfect illusion with like, the denim shorts and the t-shirt and the ponytail, and like just been kind of a grungy rockstar, i love that. and then she also turns around and has those really graceful, elegant outfits with the hats and the pink, and i'm just like [gasps] i love everything she's worn for the past year. she's amazing. i love her. since the summertime, i guess. it's not that long. anyway, i love

her aesthetic right now and that really is what i'm feeling. the thing is, like, i kind of emulate her every album cycle... i don't try to, i just like the same things at the same time, probably because she does them. but, that's not my business. so, whatever. instagram user snowcone102 has two interesting questions. first question is "would you rather be an unhappy human or a happy cat or dog?" i'd rather be a happy cat or dog. especially a dog, because you don't fear death, you don't fear anything, you just love it. you love every second, i just love that. that'd be great. good- i love that concept. loving that concept, if you will.

second question: "which school teacher inspired you the most growing up and why?" i had a teacher in high school named ms. simpson. she was amazing. i was not a fan of eating in the cafeteria, because i felt, when i went to the cafeteria, everybody turned and looked at me, i had extreme anxiety in the cafeteria. and i didn't just imagine they were looking at me, it was real. because i was never there. and when i would come in they'd be like "woah look at that queer" like, maybe they didn't think that, but that's how i felt. they were looking at me, you know what i mean? so i would eat at my locker, but the school didn't want me to eat at my locker, "you should be eating in the cafeteria", and i was like "i don't feel safe

in the cafeteria," they're like, "well too bad." and i'm like "you are awful. thanks." and then my high school art teacher opened- i mean, i think she kept the room open for most of- because students would come and work on their art at lunch. but i ate my lunch in that room with my friends every day for the last year of high school. and that made me feel so much better. and if you're a teacher, and you can do that, please do it. because you will make so many students feel so much better, in ways that you probably can't remember. but that really helped me get through high school. so, thank you, ms. simpson, you are incredible. instagram user f8fallen4u- damn!- "do you want to grow your hair really long, or keep it at a general length?"

i.. don't have much of an opinion on my hair length. for me, my femininity and my affirmation of myself is not attached to my hair. so, i feel like i'm at a place where if i ended up having to shave my head, i would feel okay about it, i mean, that's not my first choice. my... affirmation is more attached to my makeup, more attached to my thighs, there's different- every trans woman has different things that make them feel good about themselves. a different body part, a different thing that's like, "i like this. i want this to be great." and i think every person, regardless of whether they're trans or cis, has something like this. so mine is not my hair, i used to be really obsessed with having different hair colors and stuff, but, the thing is, i've never been picky about what my hair is gonna be like.

so, i don't care. if my hair grows, if it grows, it grows, if i chop it off, i chop it off, i'm not attached to any specific hair length. instagram user chaftoo: "what animal is your patronus on pottermore?" i'm actually not on pottermore, i haven't been on in years since it launched, so i don't know what my patronus is. i don't think that i remember getting mine. but i would like to think it'd be like, a fox, like one of those really yippy, you know, excitable things, that gets itself killed really young... maybe.. i don't know, what do you guys think my patronus would be? i would like to know what you think my patronus would be. please let me know in the comments,

what is my patronus? thanks. thank you. thank you! instagram user itsgeorgekourou: "have you ever experienced attraction to women, or are you straight? love you." i was.. i was confused. and i'm still a little bit, i'm not confused about my sexuality, i'm confused about how to talk about it. because i don't feel like pansexual fits me, and i don't think i'm bisexual, like, i honestly, sex is very minuscule to me, i don't really care about sex. and i understand that i'm attracted to people,

if i think they're interesting. and i understand also that their gender doesn't have anything to do with that. so, i don't know what to call- i don't want to call myself anything. i don't know, there's a lot of words, but i don't want any of them. and i don't feel the need to find one, okay? i am content just saying i like people that are interesting. that's all that i need to convey, that's it. that being said, i have experienced attraction to women, yes, i have, but i find i'm always too insecure about my body to pursue women, because maybe everything's great and we get along so well, and i'm really into them as a person, and then when it comes to some kind of sexual you know- encounter, i feel super inadequate next to them because my body is not

as feminine as theirs, or something, and that just is not- i don't know. i don't want to have to deal with that, so pursuing women is very rare for me, okay? instagram user thisdyck... nice, love it. "are you going to be having more plastic surgery in the future, if so, what?" okay. here's the thing, my friend. what i had done was not plastic surgery, it was reconstructive. i always say this, because it's not about me looking prettier, it's not, it's about me feeling okay, you know what i mean? i didn't get facial feminization surgery so i could be prettier, i got it so i could reverse the effects of something that happened to me, that happened

to my bones that i did not ask for. and that made me feel awful every day, okay? so, if i get any other "cosmetic" procedures, i don't know. i don't know. okay, okay. okay okay okay. i need to stop being so serious for a second, though. because, listen, okay, i think this year i wanna get two procedures done, that are sort of about dysphoria, but also, i just wanna feel really cute. it's less important than my face was, so i'm not gonna crowdfund for these, these are gonna be out of my pocket because i don't feel like it's a necessity, i feel like it's something that i want. do you understand? i wanna get hips i'm doing research, but i think i'm going to end up doing- i hate this- brazilian butt lift.

i know there's a better word for it, and there's a real medical word for it, but that's just how everybody knows it, as a brazilian butt lift. but i don't want more ass, necessarily, i just want hips, i want everything kind of rounder and higher, and my thighs to be a little bit wider, i don't know, i don't know. i want that. i don't need that, i want that. and i acknowledge that. and i'm also thinking i want breast augmentation, which i also don't feel i need, but i want, and my breasts aren't really growing by themselves anymore, this outfit is a mess, guys, oh my god what am i doing.. like, this is pretty much where they're at- just in case there's nipple happening- it's not, it's okay. it's fine, but i think i want a full b. a nice, full b. just something gentle and [pop],

i don't know. i wanna fill out a bra for once in my life, you know what i mean? and it's been like, a year and a half, so [sigh] that's what's up. we have reached the end of my questions that i have selected. i just want to quickly say, thank you so much to everybody that sent a question in on instagram, if you guys don't know, that's where i get my questions, is on my instagram, you can find a link or my handle in the description box, you can go follow me, and that way, when i do another q and a, you will be able to put your question

into the draw! i choose questions at random, i just scroll through and let it land on something, and i pick one on the page, that's how i do it. but this time, i had the most questions ever asked, i had almost 1,800 questions, that's so many, holy shit thank you! i mean, you must realize 1,800 questions- if i didn't get your question in there, that's a lot. so, i'm sorry, better luck next time, i guess. i love you so much, until next time, just remember you are.. a complete person on your own. you, yourself, are whole. as a person. you don't need anybody else or anything else to affirm that, i mean, if you want that that's fine, but you on your own are perfect, okay?

i love you so much, i will see you again soon byeeee!